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Harvard’s 15 Hottest Freshmen is a terrifying glimpse of our future leaders

While it may look a little unseemly to be picking on a group of college freshman, now is probably as good a time as any to prepare Harvard’s “Fifteen Hottest Freshmen,” named in the Harvard Crimson’s magazine Fifteen Minutes and jabbed by Gawker, for their lives of inevitably frustrating disappointment and struggle. Also, it’s never too early for Harvard students to learn just how much the rest of the city dislikes you.

The students are, indeed a comely, accomplished lot, which makes it all the easier for a malformed, poorly bootblack like myself to tear them down.

Along with photo shoots done throughout Harvard Square, each of the students answered a few questions, reminding us that, while they are, in fact, the future job creators of the world, they’re also still college freshmen, which means they are de facto dumb. How much would you have bet that the kid in the shitty sunglasses was going to reference Kanye, incidentally? What about throwing in Robin Thicke and Slavoj Zizek too? That’s an effortless smug icon trifecta right there. Also his name is Archibald. He will downsize you some day.

Here’s a young lady named Lucy from Portland. What does she look for in a girl/guy? “Someone who is similar to me.” Lucy wants to be a doctor. She is in the right place.

Is there one larger takeaway we can all learn from in this whole feature? There is! It comes from a student named Gussie: “Best thing about Harvard: I thought there would be a lot of class conflict at Harvard but it turns out that Old Money and New Money can totally coexist.”

Money, like being young and attractive, really makes life a lot easier.

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